So, I have finally finished reading my book ‘high performance’, it’s taken me a while as I haven’t been able to get into a calm enough space to stop and read recently. Every time I have planned to read before bed other tasks, like creating social media content or answering emails, have got in the way. And sleep is so important to me, I feel like I am constantly fighting to get enough hours each night at the moment. Anyway, the last few pages of my book resonated with me, it was about courage.

There have been plenty of moments in the last couple of weeks when I have felt overwhelmed, maybe a little panicky. Have I underestimated the challenge? Is £100,000 even achievable by someone like me? Is this challenge worthy of people’s interest? Am I worthy? Imposter syndrome has snuck up on me hard and I have had to dig deep to remind myself why I am doing this and stick to my values.

Sometimes I think it would have been so much simpler to just apply for a well-paid job and to find a nice flat in London to rent with friends, but I know for a fact that, if I wasn’t doing this, I would be bored, unsatisfied and uninspired by myself. I don’t have a second at the moment to have those thoughts. This is exhausting, but awesome. This is mainly because I am still juggling a 10-12 hour a day job and trying to find time to train, eat, sleep and keep the project ticking over. I know this will cease in 10 week’s time when I hit my ‘last day in uniform’, but I may have underestimated the energy required between now and then! I certainly am not training to the level I would like to; prioritisation (and lots of scheduling) continues to be key.

So, I am digging deep for courage. Courage to continue, to persevere even when I am totally smashed, courage to believe in the cause, and, not least, courage to believe in myself.

Apparently a good way to build true courage is to verbalise your fears, so here I am.  I’m kind of sh*ting it. But we all know that fear can consume you or fire you up, I am doing my best to make it the latter.

I am also finding the courage to ask for help and support, I think that’s a tough one for anyone, but I find it particularly hard to ask. Why should I put someone out? I don’t want to interrupt someone else’s life.

I remind myself that I wouldn’t mind, so why would they? And if they do, they are under no obligation to help, so what have either of us lost? This road is going to be lonely at times, I know that, but I also know I can fix that pretty quick with a phone call to my coach, family or friends. They can re-inspire and reinvigorate me in just 5 minutes if necessary. Let’s be honest, sometimes all you need is to get out of your own head.

This burden I have placed on myself becomes lighter when I remember how many people have said they will get behind me and who has already started supporting me. This gives me so much courage and I am disproportionally grateful for that.

Like what you’re reading? Feel free to buy me a coffee or tea! https://ko-fi.com/jennevolve