How is it possible to feel such a deep sense of grief but also be excited for the freedom in front of you? It turns out that so many of us feel this way when we decide to leave the military. The Kubler-Ross grief cycle is real.

I attended a career transition workshop this week with about 10 other individuals from across the Army and Royal Air Force. It was fascinating to hear each other’s different reasons for leaving and share the feelings that we all have about doing so.

Some people were leaving after a full career; 20 – 30 years of service (and probably wouldn’t leave if they didn’t have to), others were making a choice to support their families or partners life choices and, of course, like me, there were some that just didn’t want to get stuck on the SO2 (Majors/ Sqn Leaders) job circuit. Despite our reasons, when we were asked about how we felt, both positive and negative, I think nearly everyone wrote down ‘grief’ ‘loss’ ‘sadness’ as well as ‘excitement’ ‘freedom’ ‘happy’. I would argue this combination is fairly distinct to this situation.

None of us are yet fully committed to letting go. Being in the military has such a huge impact on your identity; whether it’s 3, 10 or 20 years, you belong to this tribe and its’ unique culture. It also offers you status within society (which for most of us with oversized egos is a bad thing!) and this can make it even harder to let go of. Often, we will find other people are naturally interested in us because of the job we do, it can be a great conversation starter. Unless, of course, you get relegated to the ‘Army’ table at the wedding; normally a sign that you can’t be trusted with civilian friends of friends, but always a good laugh.

Identity, tribe, family, belonging, as cliché as it sounds it’s all true. At the extreme it feels like you are ripping a part of your heart out. I definitely shed a tear when I physically clicked the links to terminate my service (and that’s when you need another service leaver to take you to the pub – you know who you are and thanks). But nothing is forever and there are so many other opportunities in life to experience. That’s what makes this being human thing interesting and exciting. I even get a bit of an adrenalin rush when I think of the freedom I am giving myself.

So, it was a brilliant time to reflect on how I was feeling and also to identify my strengths and the values that I now hold. What is it that will make me happy going forward? Most people on the course are looking for a new career or retirement job, and the draw of an excellent wage in London is strong. I could do it. But I managed to stay firm on my planned course. This year is about taking a risk, enjoying some freedom, creating memories. I can, and will, knuckle down in a job after all of the fundraising and adventures are done. In fact, in one reflective session I identified that the times I was most happy in my career was not when I was in highly interesting (but totally thrashing yourself) jobs in government, it was when I was developing, training and leading soldiers, normally outside, in the fresh air. This reassures me that I am on the right track.

Being in the same room again with likeminded people, my tribe, was really enjoyable. There is instant electricity due to your shared experiences, shared respect, and it’s a safe space for good old fashioned military banter. We are also all in the same boat, we are all about to become veterans (unless I can get a reserve job!). So obviously I handed my fundraising card out for the Veterans Foundation!

I still question my decision to leave on a daily basis (christ! I even had a nightmare about it the other day) but I keep reminding myself that I will not grow without stepping out of my comfort zone. I will keep having the same experiences, however enjoyable. I need new, I need challenging, I need excitement and the fear of the unknown.

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